I never thought I'd be the kind of person who dedicates an entire blog post to a cat. And yet, as I'm slowly but surely approaching 30 there is a small list of things I meant to accomplish before I said "Ciao, Baby" to this decade. Somehow the cat ends up appearing on the list that I've recently been referring to as The Impossible Tasks List.
The Impossible Tasks List
1. Get my shit together (hasn't happened yet)
2. Publish something, anything (I've got a lovely pile of rejection letters)
3. Lose weight for health reasons (don't even go there)
4. Get my cat to stop hating me
Surely I thought that the last item could maybe happen before the end of this year? I mean, how hard is it to get a naturally aloof, fluffy sociopath with whiskers to stop giving you the stink eye? You'd think that she would soften some if I petted her everyday and fed her gourmet cookies, right? No can do. This particular cat, Tuesday, has got an eight-year vendetta out on me for swooping into the picture when she was a kitten and snatching up the attention of her knight in shining armour, my boyfriend. Ever since then I'm pretty sure she's thought of me as the obnoxiously loud human being that approaches her out of the blue and asks her questions such as "what is the meaning of life?" that she just has no interest in answering. Sheessh...humans can be so dramatic sometimes.
So I've decided to make a different kind of list that I think has a bit more potential than the first. Maybe it can be used as a resource tool in times of deep despair when even your cat thinks you're the scum of the earth ;)
How To Cope With Being Your Cat's Least Favourite Human
1. Remind yourself that you're not alone. Plenty of people get the cold shoulder from their cats. Seek these people out in crowds. They will naturally have their heads bowed in shame.
2. Toy with the sucker a little bit. If your cats gonna hate you anyways, why not slurp the last of the tuna juice in front of 'em?
3. Read up on cat psychology. You'd be surprised at how many people have penned books about the inner minds of kitties. There's a lot of psychobabble out there dedicated to how they don't aim to please humans. At least then you can say, "It's not me, it's the meowser."
4. Be aloof back. You ever notice how cats magnetically approach people who seem to hate them or be allergic to them? It's as if they can somehow relate to the leave-me-alone-you-unworthy-fool vibe.
5. Lastly, deal with it. If you wanted unconditionally love you should have gotten a dog. Cats teach you a lesson that we keep on learning as we age, which is that the world will shit whiskers on you so you better grow a backbone. Thanks to Tuesday the Cat, I'm working on growing an industrial strength one.